Last night was one of
the worst nights of my entire life time, other than the nights when I
was sick. I went to bed around 11pm after watching the True Blood
Finale. What happened next was absolutely absurd.
From 11pm-5:15am, I
proceeded to toss and turn every 3-5 minutes or so. I took some Nyquil
before bed because I ran myself out of my sleeping pills but it didn’t
help. I literally watched the clock tick minutes
away. It got so old that all I really wanted was the clock to say
5:30am so I could get up and go to work. I never got that far.
During my tossing and
turning, my only pair of boxers that aren’t boxer brief continued to let
my junk sneak out of the bottom. As I would turn myself, my boxers
didn’t follow suit so I constantly had to adjust
my coin purse. At one point, I know I had one nut out and the other
nut in a knot inside the boxers, it was excruciating.
Straighten out the
boxers, adjust the merchandise and proceed to try to sleep even though I
already knew it was over and was not going to happen. So I decided to
attempt an old trick Aliyah taught me. I put my
thumb in my mouth and I laid on my side. No go.
I knew only one thing
would curb my appetite for slumber and I knew it had to happen fast. I
got dressed at about 1:27am and got in the car. I went to every street
corner I thought would be suitable for a prostitute.
Hang in there; it’s not what you think. I finally stumbled upon the
perfect specimen. I pulled up and cracked the window. She asked what I
was interested in and I quietly mumbled, “Breast milk.”
First of all, she
didn’t have to laugh at me and second of all when I pulled out a crisp
100 dollar bill she still laughed as she pulled her boobie from her
shirt and milked herself into a small plastic container
I had placed on the roof. Once the container was topped off, I took it
back, smiled, smelled it and capped it. I pulled away only to see red
and blue lights in my mirror.
Yes, Officer? Because I
knew I did nothing wrong. Let me see that container you got there
boy. I handed the container to the cop and he slowly sniffed the
contents, as if I were about to wage biological warfare
on the city.
I explained to him what
my problem was and he let me off with a warning for gross misconduct,
which is a $573 fine. No problem. I needed this sleep like a crack
head needs some peewee to suck to get his fix on.
I pulled up at the
house, took the breast milk down my gullet in 2 large gulps and I knew
it was just a matter of time before I was down for the count. I ran to
the door, got it open and secured the house. As
I proceeded up the stairs, I began to slowly fall asleep in
mid-movement. By the time I reached the top step I was on all fours
trying to make it to the bedroom.
I woke up in the middle
of the hall and realized I had pissed the floor. Of course, I was off
to Walmart to get Madden and then work to….work. I had no time to clean
up piss.
What a night!
Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!
-JB
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