You Think You Have It Bad…
Jerkin’s Daily News
Sarah P. Swallows
Every single one
of you reading this has seen me before.
I perform the hardest task on this floating rock. I commonly have four holes securing me to my
location. I cannot be moved once
attached unless I am over exerted or cut free.
Appearing in professional situations or semi-casual occasions, my job is
to hide things you don’t want others to see.
Not nearly enough respect is paid to my mission, I rarely fail even when
I am covered in water or tumbling in excessive heat. There are many above me, however, they don’t
incur the amount of stress I do. Hell,
the top guy doesn’t even have to work sometimes. He can be hidden behind an accessory or left
alone to keep things extra relaxed and exude coolness.
Today, I am
sanctioning the formation of a worker’s union for more of my kind. I urge all of you to step forward, file
complaints, pay your dues, and allow myself and the Union to help regulate
proper usage of us and allocate funds to aid recovery of those of us that have
been shot across a crowded Golden Corral eating trough. Like a fly being captured by a small child
only to have its wings plucked off to the tormentors delight, we have been
abused for the last time.
There is a
magnitude of power in numbers and true weakness in remaining silence. Our time will come, we will rise and
eventually, with time, share an equal load with our brethren.
Remember this
announcement the next time you’re being forced into a tight slot and then
suffering the despair of feeling like your innards are being ripped out. Recollect on this opportunity while in
mid-flight after an Apollo 13 launch from table four at Old Country Buffet
heading right towards that ninety year old grandma’s left eyeball. Luckily, Granny was able to matrix her eye
out of the danger zone only for you to land squarely in the top of Uncle
Jerry’s fully exposed ass crack. Uncle
Jerry didn’t even notice, by the way. I
was in counseling for months. Uncle
Jerry had a sweat gland problem and also suffered from Crohn’s Disease. He was also a firm believer in showering once
a week, it was the longest seven days of my life.
My morning routine
now consists of fourteen medical administrations, all via four inch syringe,
right between my securing point.
Alright, I may be
embellishing a touch but if I were a living, breathing being that would be the
case.
Stand up, fight
for what you believe in, and let’s collectively make a change!
#ButtonLivesMatter
