Nut Controversy in Central Park

Nut Controversy in Central Park 

Jerkin’s Daily News

Sarah P. Swallows

Squirrels in New York City were subjected to a horrible beginning of their October.  A wild yet friendly Central Park resident, seen in the attached photograph, Samuel C. Samuels Esquire can be seen reacting with anguish and despair after the news came out that all Central Park nuts, including those brought in by visitors, are now off limits to any and all animals, domesticated or wild. 

A Change.org petition was started by Sarah Snorkin (now know in the squirrel community as THE SS) seventeen days ago pleading for, “the conservation of the Central Park environment, the prevention of the degradation of the visual characteristics of Central Park, and the denial of disruption to the Central Park grounds.”

After accumulating a mind-boggling seventeen million signatures, Mayor Bill de Blasio held a press conference at the main entrance to Central Park.  As he was perched at his pedestal surrounded by Wildlife Officers scanning the surroundings for any rogue rodents that may become filled with torment and lung at the ankles of New York’s beloved Mayor, “The conservation of this monumental landmark we know and love is not only the responsibility of all of New York City’s beloved residents, it is also going to be the responsibility of a new task force known as ‘Central Park Wildlife Neutralizers’.”

In the coming days, each and every nut will be inventoried and the data will be compiled into a database.  Each Wednesday there will be a follow up inventory followed by a weekly Friday audit.  The estimated costs of these new legislations is estimated to run nine hundred and seventy six thousand dollars per week but the environmental impact this will save the human inhabitants of New York City’s Central Park is priceless.

We were lucky enough to catch up with Mr. Samuels Esquire immediately following Mayor de Blasio’s statement.  When asked his thoughts about this new legislation Mr. Samuels Esquire replied with a torrent of hatred with a dash of confusion, “Have they [breaking] people lost their mother [freaking] minds?!  For [freak] sake, without nuts squirrels will have to rely on eating our [freaking] babies, [pooping] them out, and [freaking] eating them again!” 

Editor Notes: Mr. Samuels Esquire’s comments were edited due to malicious language, we try to provide a family friendly environment for our readers and take every step to ensure the integrity of our publication.

                As of this writing, Mr. Samuels Esquire has been detained by the CPWN for making disparaging comments about government officials.  His wife, Mrs. Lucille J. Samuels M.B.A., and their eighteen children, Lucy Samuels, Jane Samuels, Rebecca Samuels, Polly Samuels, Samuel A. Samuels Esquire, Samuel B. Samuels Esquire, Samuel C. Samuels Esquire II, Samuel D. Samuels Esquire, Samuel E. Samuels Esquire, Samuel F. Samuels Esquire, Samuel G. Samuels Esquire, Samuel H. Samuels Esquire, Samuel I. Samuels Esquire, Samuel J. Samuels Esquire, Samuel K. Samuels Esquire, Samuel L. Samuels Esquire, Samuel M. Samuels Esquire, and Jeff F. Samuels, were left dumbfounded and heartbroken at the recent detaining of their father and sole provider. 

Samuel L. Samuels provided a brief heartfelt statement, “My daddy is a great daddy.  He collects the most nuts, more than a normal squirrel could collect.  He even talks to my mommy about buts at night time when we’re all asleep and they giggle and make funny noises…” Mrs. Lucille J. Samuels jumped in, flush faced and awkwardly smiling as she corralled young Samuel L. back into their tree home.

                More to come on this matter.  Please let us know how you feel about this shocking legislation in the comments below.