I'll Take Create-A-Story for $1000 Please

Remember - 3 grown men.

Somewhere in the woods there was a baby penguin named Earl.  Earl was outcast by his herd at a young age because he was always touching himself in areas that only pre-teen to full grown penguins were allowed to touch on their own penguin bodies.  This made Earl very agitated, so he devised a plan to get back at the herd.  First, he would have to gather up a long stick, some Vaseline, a banana, and some chewing gum. Next he unsheathed the massive banana and cast it aside, making sure not to damage the peel.  Then Earl realizing the banana peeling exhausted him more than expected, decided now would be a good time for break.  So he unwrapped the chewing gum and started to relax.

As he was relaxing he noticed a bear nearby. He wanted to ask the bear what he would do if he wanted revenge for something. “Mr. Bear” the young penguin said, “how many animals have you accidentally touched wee-wee tips with and on a side note, how would a young penguin go about accomplishing vengeance against an entire herd of penguins?”  Unfortunately the Bear didn't speak Penguin so he just snarled and continued down the trail.  Focusing back on his initial plan, he picked up the jar of Vaseline and started to apply it on the stick. He then took the chewing gum and blew a bubble.  Carefully, Earl inserted the lubricated stick into the blown up bubble gum.  He slowly began to float from the ground or so it seemed.  But in fact, he suddenly felt himself getting light-headed and looked down to see himself standing in a pile of dead penguin bodies. He could not believe what he was seeing. When he realized it was indeed his own herd he passed out.

When he awoke he actually ended up being a she; a living, breathing female human being that was tied up in a straight jacket, naked from the waist down, and shackled to a table in a dimly lit room where a big Mexican named Pablo was standing in the corner yelling at an imaginary dragon.  A small voice from an intercom above her came out and said, “Pablo!  Eatin’ ain’t cheatin’, Bro!”  Pablo, who was married, then suddenly stopped talking to the dragon and looked over at the woman with a boyish grin.  As he stood and approached the woman on the table, he quickly came to a stop. He grabbed the chain he was attached to and pulled as hard as he could. The chain with a loud pop broke off the wall. He proceeded forward. The woman started screaming frantically and lashing around to try and escape. However, Pablo seized his opportunity, leaned down to the screaming woman’s ear and whispered, “Honey, let’s get the F out of here.”  Pablo tore his wife’s (Plot Twist!) shackles from the table and used the table she was shackled on to smash out the window exposing a 150’ drop straight down into a deep dark hole. He used the chain to tie off to a nearby rock and swing out of the room to see if there was a way up. They both were still a little delusional from the drugs they received and quickly realized the hole was a tunnel and the drop was a mere 2 feet. 

Pablo grabbed his wife, who was muttering about squirrel breast milk, and he stuffed her into a leather waist pouch he found nearby so he could move about freely without having to carry her in his hands.  He jumped into the tunnel and started about his marry way. As he was running through the tunnel he realized his wife had not made a sound for hours. He looked into the pouch and realized he had snapped the neck of his wife and killed her. Instead of weeping he built a fire so he could cook her hair and clothing.  Everyone knew Pablo’s favorite meal was human hair cotton poly blend soup.  Pablo boiled the water in an old rusty pot he found next to a dead bums bare bottom and then cooked and ate his meal contently.  Although he wasn't upset about what he did to his wife, he thought he should still honor her.  He took her body, still naked from the wasted down, and burned her in the woods just outside the tunnel. He then took her ashes to the nearest town. He found the first house and ran inside to find a massive Brazilian man and a man with a lower back tattoo of a squirrel with a magical nut playing a game with two cups.

Create-A-Story by three grown men

Create-A-Story written by three grown men:

Today someone stopped me while I was about to walk into a dark place in my mind, but I turned and said, “What the hell is that on your face? It looks like drool, only thicker and creamier.” To which she replied, “Oh, that…well I can show you better than I can tell you.  By the way, do you happen to have two cups nearby? This sort of activity requires two cups.  You take one cup and I’ll take the other then we will poke holes in the bottom of them and lubricate the ends, before we start. Now the fun begins. All you do is take your pinkie finger and gently slide it into the Styrofoam, back and forth a few times.  Next evenly spread the lubricant that transferred from the cup to your finger onto the roof of your mouth.” With a blank stare I asked her “Are you German?” When she replied, “Yes I am. What gave it away?” I quickly grabbed my domesticated monkey that I imported from Brazil and took off running as fast as I could.  Mr. Monkey, as I called him, had been clutching my inner thigh the entire time.  Suddenly not realizing that I had been shaking him vigorously due to the high speed run, he started to get agitated and then he jumped down tripping me.

Violently I awoke from the awkward dream. While brushing my teeth and scratching my recently acquired lower back tattoo of a squirrel with a magical nut, I shockingly noticed something on my face that looked like drool, only it was thicker and creamier.  That’s when I realized the Styrofoam cup with a hole sitting on my counter and a naked German girl in my bath tub. I quickly deduced that since I am allergic to anything German I should awkwardly creep out of my own apartment.  As I exited the front door I realized although she was German, there was no way I could’ve had any schnitzel the night before or my mouth would've been extremely swollen.  Just to be safe I went back inside hoping to find some sort of identification on this unknown German woman. As I was going through her purse I saw something rather strange. There seems to be a collection of used tampons and a jar of what appears to be freshly squeezed breast milk.  To be sure I opened the jar and took a whiff.  Judging by the smell, and the fact that the German girl was still knocked out in my bathtub, I quickly realized that this was not freshly squeezed.  In fact, I was certain it was the thick creamy substance I found on my face this morning. Unsure of what the substance was I began to taste it. That’s when the massive Brazilian soccer player broke the front door down screaming “Where is the monkey and why are you holding my jar of used hemorrhoid crème?!  If you spanked my monkey in any way I am going to…he pauses as he walks by the bathroom and notices the naked German girl and says calmly, why is there a naked German girl in your bathtub?  I stand motionless; he looks closer and realizes that she is indeed dead. He steps back and pulls out a knife and this time calmly asks me where the monkey is. That’s when he looked down to see the used Tampons. Because I was focused on the jar of hemorrhoid cream I failed to realize the long brown hairs on the tampons. He however, did not. All I could do was quickly gulp down the jar of used hemorrhoid crème to regain his attention.  Then I noticed what he was looking at and I swiftly plucked each long brown hair from the used tampons and jam them into my mouth.  He was baffled yet very intrigued at the same time.  That’s when he asked me if I was interested in a little activity involving 2 cups. 

You asked for it!

Disclaimer:

Here we go.  Buckle your seatbelts because this is highly inappropriate.  I won’t apologize, I won’t retract my statements because the facts are proven to be true.  Stop now or forever silently scoff at me behind my back…and we’re off.

I’d like to talk about skin to start.  If you really think about skin and the strength of it, what it is susceptible to, you know it is very fragile.  One of the most easily damaged areas of skin know to us is on a males wee-wee.  The skin in that region, specifically where the mushroom connects to the stem, has been found to suffer from the Massive Abrasionary Semi-Tear of the Urinary Region Beyond Abnormal Tensile Elasticity Syndrome, also known as M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome.  Today we will discuss common causes, common healing methods and most importantly, prevention.

                M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome can be caused in numerous different ways.  Since 1990, the three most common causes have been overuse, sheet/underwear material and wrong or lack of lubrication.  Over 72% of all diagnosed cases of M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome have been determined to be caused by overuse.  Overuse comes from many different scenarios.  Sometimes, during the act of self pleasuring, the male can lose focus and this can lead to an extended self pleasuring session.  By extending the session the friction created by the skin to skin contact increases causing the overall heat in that area to increase which in turn leads to a weakening of the skin and an eventual abrasion that could take days to heal.  Another example of overuse is exactly that, overuse.  Nine out of ten doctors recommend not exceeding 4 self pleasuring acts in any given 24 hour period.  The one doctor that went against that recommendation was found to be a M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome sufferer but refused to admit he had a problem.  Upon further investigation, the tip of his unit looked like a really large raisin connected to a burnt stick. 

               

                The remaining 28% of all cases of M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome are caused by the wrong sheet/underwear material and/or wrong or lack of lubrication.  Many studies have been conducted when it comes to the proper sheet style for the M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome sufferer.  When men go to sleep it has been clinically proven that most will encounter 5-9 moments of arousal, half of which are caused by incidental contact with the sheets on the bed.  Imagine running your skin slowly across an abrasive material 5-9 times in an 8 hour period with all of your body weight pressed against it.  Sounds painful doesn’t it?  Well the human body perceives that to be pleasure, at least in that region, so the brain’s natural response is to allow this action to continue to occur.  This same concept applies to the style of underwear a man wears (boxers, briefs or backwards thong).   Boxers and briefs tend to be more comfortable than the backwards thong because they don’t have a thin piece of fabric splitting the beans apart and allowing the frank to flop about freely, however, the backwards thong not only provides free and natural movements but it also contains the beans and prevents them from bouncing off of the thigh regions.  A lack of lubrication or insufficient lubrication can also lead to potential M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome.  The proper lube to no lube ratio is 2 to 1, basically that means for every 1” you should apply 2mLs of lubrication.  Learn it, live it, know it.

                When it comes to healing methods for the M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome sufferer, the basic rules of skin care apply.  Don’t pick at it, certainly don’t lick it (or have someone else lick it), don’t get it excessively wet, don’t touch it other than to apply ointment.  The main takeaway on the healing side is not to use any form of Liquid Bandage.  We all know the stuff, strong smell and a brush applicator.  Don’t use it!  Take it from someone with experience, it will burn you and I’m not talking about a temporary burning pain.  Liquid Bandage will burn your pee-pee, basically to the point that you can’t recognize it.  Have you ever put salt on a slug?  Yeah, just like that.  Apply ointment and leave it alone until the wound begins to scab.  Only then will the real healing process begin.

                We’ve touched on some of the basic prevention methods, avoid overuse and wear a backwards thong, but there are many more methods to help avoid suffering from a case of M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome.  The number one prevention method I am going to recommend is to avoid boredom.  Boredom leads to random thoughts and all random thoughts lead to playing with IT.  Any man that tells you otherwise is a liar.  So get some hobbies, get on social media, whatever you have to do because M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome is not something to be taken lightly.  Another good preventative method is to sleep on your back.  I feel I don’t have to elaborate on this one because it’s freaking common sense.  Now, the tough one, maintain adequate focus when pleasuring yourself, sounds easy right?  This is a lot harder (no pun intended) than it sounds.  It’s basically like trying to force yourself to have a Lucid Dream.  It’s damn near impossible.  Focusing and rhythm go hand in hand here.  Maintaining a good rhythm will allow you to maintain proper focus and avoid a prolonged experience and a higher chance at suffering from M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome. 

                Don’t take this lightly.  It sounds and seems like a joke but this is a serious problem, dare I say a pandemic.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help, the only thing worse than suffering is suffering alone. 

Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM! 

Bathroom Public Service Announcement

We as people have accomplished some remarkably amazing feats.  We have the ability to launch missiles while submerged underneath the water of an ocean, we can send manned and unmanned crafts out of our atmosphere and have them return with ridiculous accuracy and we are also able to co-exist (for the most part) with one another in a semi-civil manner.  Tell me why we can accomplish all of these unthinkable tasks but the best (most common) bathroom stall design has so many flaws.

                You ALL know what I’m talking about.  The bathroom stall that has the hinged door connected with some brackets to the wall and then connected to another wall 90 degrees out.   This needs to be broken down to make it easier to digest.

                First up, the cracks between the door and the adjacent structure.  There are two major slots between where the door is secured with the lock and where the door hinges allowing access to the facilities.  I’d say on a good day, total between those two slots, there’s a ¾” gap on a bad day maybe 1-1/4”.  I understand the concept behind it, it’s a door so hinges are basically a structural requirement.  If there isn’t enough gap then the door will not function properly, I get it.  We’ve all been in those restrooms that have legitimate doors, with knobs that have absolutely no vertical gaps of any sort.  As humans, we need to stand united and raise awareness.  Give me real bathroom stall doors or give me death.

                Next, let’s discuss the gaps all around the bottom of the bathroom stall.  I don’t need to know that Mr. Black Adidas is dumping for the 12^th time today nor do I need to be able to see his belt lightly touching the urine soaked, poop covered bathroom floor.  If someone tries to argue that it is a safety thing, no one can hide in there until the store closes because the bottom of the stall is not covered, I call shenanigans!  They can just as easily stand on the toilet, concealing their feet (and body) from view and allowing them to be a major security concern. 

Side note, I have heard about some sexual solicitation taking place in public restrooms.  A little trick they use is going into the stall positioning yourself in the restroom using position and having the sexual technician (lady or man of the night) stand in paper grocery bag which is placed in front of the person’s feet.  More power to them for being creative.  I have nothing further today about this part.

Finally, I know you’re all waiting for it.  The top of the stall.  I know you are all probably waiting for me to bash on it and really dig in but I couldn’t care less.  If someone wants to stare down at me while I’m dropping a deuce, more power to them.  I’m ok with the tops of the stalls being open.  I have many fond memories from my younger days that involve the tops of the bathroom stalls.  MANY! 

I’ve left out many other aspects of the stall that aren’t necessarily a fault of the design, the glory holes (possible in any type of faux wood), the boogers being applied by bored bathroom users that don’t know how to occupy themselves with their phones instead of their noses and of course the toilet paper dispensers with the sharp teeth that are certainly necessary to tear a piece of toilet paper with a tensile strength equivalent to a piece of melting chocolate.  If I didn’t focus on the main areas of concern then this would have just been a big waste of time.

I am urging you all, as a people, to band together in unison and let’s begin the revolution against the injustice that is being forcefully jammed down our sensitive and quite intricate throats.  I have a dream (MLK reference) that one day we will all be able to deuce in public and feel just as comfortable doing it as if we were at our own homes using our own poop buckets.  I have a dream that one day I will not have to watch someone’s leg rhythmically twitch because they are tugging on something they shouldn’t be (at least not in public).  Let’s make these dreams become a reality, let’s make this world one step closer to a utopian society by revolting against all bathroom stall manufacturers that still produce these unconstitutional (not really) dump boxes.  Dream with me, live with me, love with me. 

Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM! 

The Necessary “Dumbing Down” of Society

Tell me why, in a building full of professional adults, there is a need to put certain signs above certain areas.  Do we need a “No Running” sign in an office environment?  Do we need a sign for the kitchen area that directs people to clean up after themselves?  What is society coming to when the most basic aspects of human conduct must be subtly reinforced by the use of signage. 

Here’s what started this topic.   I work in a 6 story building full of adults, professional working adults.  In this building, we obviously have restrooms and kitchen areas, conference rooms and offices.  Each is labeled with the appropriate sign denoting what it is and what it is used for, rightfully so.  One thing that caught me off guard is a sign I saw in the restroom.  Above the toilet (not the urinal) there is a special sign, something I have to tell my 4 year old and 6 year old consistently.  “Please Flush”.  Please flush?  Please flush!?  What the F sort of world do we live in that an office building full of grown working adults has to have signs placed above the restroom equipment reminding people to flush their fecal matter down the toilet!?

This has peeked my curiosity to the point that I think an experiment is in order.  Tomorrow at approximately 6am, I am going to take a piece of masking tape and add the word “Don’t” between “Please” and “Flush” and see what happens.  Is our society that codependent on signage to instruct us of the most basic of the human functions?  I will gladly report the results after one day of testing or until the toilet over flows with fecal matter and the “adults” try to figure out what the problem is.   

Ramble, ramble, ramble.  You have to be thinking that at this point if you’ve read this far.  It just caught me off guard that we need THAT posted as a reminder.  What we really need is a sign posted on every corner of every block of every city in every area of the world that reads “Please Be Kind to One Another” or “Please No Murdering”, “Please No Raping”, “Please No Violence”, “Please No Parking in More Than One Parking Spot”.  Maybe there is a method to the madness, maybe that is why I have never seen anything other than water in the bathroom facilities.  Should we award the Nobel Peace Prize to the person that cracked the human neurological code by figuring out that all we need is a sign to point us in the right direction? 

Remember, Flush your poop or you’re a douche.

Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM! 

Father of the Year!

Two events recently took place in my house.  Both of which are borderline sketchy but both ended well, no CPS (Child Protective Services) needed.

The first event took place early in the day yesterday (11-3-13).  It had been a long day of play fighting and surprise attacks versus my two young kiddies.  Finally, I decided to put an end to the senseless plastic Wolverine claw attacks once and for all.  I grabbed my son up and the nearest roll of tape.  I then proceeded to do one wrap around his arms and upper torso.  Once he was secured I carried him up stairs and tossed him on the bed for all to see.  Once the flying kick reached my testicles, I knew what had to be done.  After another wrap of tape was secured around his ankles, I sat him up on the bed and TOLD him to not move or he would fall to the ground instantly and get hurt…ok, he fell to the ground and barely bounced his head off the wall.  No bruising or swelling, no troubles at all.  No harm no foul right? 

                The second event was more of a service to my young child.  Earlier in the day his sister knocked his tooth, which was loose in the first place.  We noticed that the tooth next to it was loose too so I convinced him to let me string and door knob it.  For those of you that are unfamiliar with this technique, you take a piece of dental floss, tie it low around the tooth in question and then tie it to a door knob.  Tell them to count to three and slam the door on the 1 count!  Works like a charm.  Well that’s what I did last night.  The funny part was his sister’s face on my first failed attempt.  She looked like we had lost our minds.  The things nightmares are made of.  She looked like she had just witnessed a quadruple murder by someone using a rusty spoon.  Sheer terror. 

                Being a dad is fun and worth it.  I highly recommend it. 

                Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM! 

The Lost Popcorn

     I took a majorly long break from the blog game because of the lack of views and interest in my mind but it appears that I may have been performing a disservice to society by doing so.  The blog is ALIVE!

     Every day, we rise from our slumber and stumble out of bed only to hurl ourselves into the daily routine and end up at work.  I don’t know how many of you have a desk to sit at or a rolling desk chair at that desk but I have been graciously blessed with them.  Something very irritating happened to me today involving that rolling desk chair and my daily snack.

     I was taking my little tiny day break, munching on some delicious Orville Redenbacher’s Gourmet Popping Corn at my desk while pretending to look at my computer screen at a document I have been working on.  I was placing the popcorn in my mouth 3 at a time, masticating on it and then swallowing it down my gullet.  I went for a single perfectly popped piece of popping corn; I had it in my grasp.  Suddenly, my fingers collapsed together and the popping corn went flying then falling to the ground. 

     Not being one to leave a mess on the floor I quickly pursued it.  As I slowly pushed myself from my desk, utilizing my rolling desk chair, I briefly spotted the escaped piece of popping corn lying on the floor.  Had I listened closer, I may have heard it cries of terror and despair.

     Unbeknownst to me, the piece of popping corn was lying in the direct path of my left front desk chair wheel.  As I glided back so I could retrieve the popping corn from the floor, my desk chair wheel maliciously and masochistically rolled over top of it without mercy.  The popping corn’s extremities were strewn about on the floor and it rested there, sobbing, screaming, suffering.

     Oh poor little popping corn, oh how I wish I could redo my day and save your life from such a horrible crushing death, granted I would have had to drop you specifically again then go out of my way to try to gingerly retrieve you so that you may end up in my trash receptacle and live a nice happy life dodging sea gulls at the landfill.  Oh how I wish I could do that for you!

     Goodnight sweet baby Orville Redenbacher Movie Theater Butter Gourmet Popping Corn, goodnight!

     Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!