You asked for it!

Disclaimer:

Here we go.  Buckle your seatbelts because this is highly inappropriate.  I won’t apologize, I won’t retract my statements because the facts are proven to be true.  Stop now or forever silently scoff at me behind my back…and we’re off.

I’d like to talk about skin to start.  If you really think about skin and the strength of it, what it is susceptible to, you know it is very fragile.  One of the most easily damaged areas of skin know to us is on a males wee-wee.  The skin in that region, specifically where the mushroom connects to the stem, has been found to suffer from the Massive Abrasionary Semi-Tear of the Urinary Region Beyond Abnormal Tensile Elasticity Syndrome, also known as M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome.  Today we will discuss common causes, common healing methods and most importantly, prevention.

                M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome can be caused in numerous different ways.  Since 1990, the three most common causes have been overuse, sheet/underwear material and wrong or lack of lubrication.  Over 72% of all diagnosed cases of M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome have been determined to be caused by overuse.  Overuse comes from many different scenarios.  Sometimes, during the act of self pleasuring, the male can lose focus and this can lead to an extended self pleasuring session.  By extending the session the friction created by the skin to skin contact increases causing the overall heat in that area to increase which in turn leads to a weakening of the skin and an eventual abrasion that could take days to heal.  Another example of overuse is exactly that, overuse.  Nine out of ten doctors recommend not exceeding 4 self pleasuring acts in any given 24 hour period.  The one doctor that went against that recommendation was found to be a M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome sufferer but refused to admit he had a problem.  Upon further investigation, the tip of his unit looked like a really large raisin connected to a burnt stick. 

               

                The remaining 28% of all cases of M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome are caused by the wrong sheet/underwear material and/or wrong or lack of lubrication.  Many studies have been conducted when it comes to the proper sheet style for the M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome sufferer.  When men go to sleep it has been clinically proven that most will encounter 5-9 moments of arousal, half of which are caused by incidental contact with the sheets on the bed.  Imagine running your skin slowly across an abrasive material 5-9 times in an 8 hour period with all of your body weight pressed against it.  Sounds painful doesn’t it?  Well the human body perceives that to be pleasure, at least in that region, so the brain’s natural response is to allow this action to continue to occur.  This same concept applies to the style of underwear a man wears (boxers, briefs or backwards thong).   Boxers and briefs tend to be more comfortable than the backwards thong because they don’t have a thin piece of fabric splitting the beans apart and allowing the frank to flop about freely, however, the backwards thong not only provides free and natural movements but it also contains the beans and prevents them from bouncing off of the thigh regions.  A lack of lubrication or insufficient lubrication can also lead to potential M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome.  The proper lube to no lube ratio is 2 to 1, basically that means for every 1” you should apply 2mLs of lubrication.  Learn it, live it, know it.

                When it comes to healing methods for the M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome sufferer, the basic rules of skin care apply.  Don’t pick at it, certainly don’t lick it (or have someone else lick it), don’t get it excessively wet, don’t touch it other than to apply ointment.  The main takeaway on the healing side is not to use any form of Liquid Bandage.  We all know the stuff, strong smell and a brush applicator.  Don’t use it!  Take it from someone with experience, it will burn you and I’m not talking about a temporary burning pain.  Liquid Bandage will burn your pee-pee, basically to the point that you can’t recognize it.  Have you ever put salt on a slug?  Yeah, just like that.  Apply ointment and leave it alone until the wound begins to scab.  Only then will the real healing process begin.

                We’ve touched on some of the basic prevention methods, avoid overuse and wear a backwards thong, but there are many more methods to help avoid suffering from a case of M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome.  The number one prevention method I am going to recommend is to avoid boredom.  Boredom leads to random thoughts and all random thoughts lead to playing with IT.  Any man that tells you otherwise is a liar.  So get some hobbies, get on social media, whatever you have to do because M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome is not something to be taken lightly.  Another good preventative method is to sleep on your back.  I feel I don’t have to elaborate on this one because it’s freaking common sense.  Now, the tough one, maintain adequate focus when pleasuring yourself, sounds easy right?  This is a lot harder (no pun intended) than it sounds.  It’s basically like trying to force yourself to have a Lucid Dream.  It’s damn near impossible.  Focusing and rhythm go hand in hand here.  Maintaining a good rhythm will allow you to maintain proper focus and avoid a prolonged experience and a higher chance at suffering from M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.E. Syndrome. 

                Don’t take this lightly.  It sounds and seems like a joke but this is a serious problem, dare I say a pandemic.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help, the only thing worse than suffering is suffering alone. 

Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!