Bathroom Public Service Announcement

We as people have accomplished some remarkably amazing feats.  We have the ability to launch missiles while submerged underneath the water of an ocean, we can send manned and unmanned crafts out of our atmosphere and have them return with ridiculous accuracy and we are also able to co-exist (for the most part) with one another in a semi-civil manner.  Tell me why we can accomplish all of these unthinkable tasks but the best (most common) bathroom stall design has so many flaws.

                You ALL know what I’m talking about.  The bathroom stall that has the hinged door connected with some brackets to the wall and then connected to another wall 90 degrees out.   This needs to be broken down to make it easier to digest.

                First up, the cracks between the door and the adjacent structure.  There are two major slots between where the door is secured with the lock and where the door hinges allowing access to the facilities.  I’d say on a good day, total between those two slots, there’s a ¾” gap on a bad day maybe 1-1/4”.  I understand the concept behind it, it’s a door so hinges are basically a structural requirement.  If there isn’t enough gap then the door will not function properly, I get it.  We’ve all been in those restrooms that have legitimate doors, with knobs that have absolutely no vertical gaps of any sort.  As humans, we need to stand united and raise awareness.  Give me real bathroom stall doors or give me death.

                Next, let’s discuss the gaps all around the bottom of the bathroom stall.  I don’t need to know that Mr. Black Adidas is dumping for the 12^th time today nor do I need to be able to see his belt lightly touching the urine soaked, poop covered bathroom floor.  If someone tries to argue that it is a safety thing, no one can hide in there until the store closes because the bottom of the stall is not covered, I call shenanigans!  They can just as easily stand on the toilet, concealing their feet (and body) from view and allowing them to be a major security concern. 

Side note, I have heard about some sexual solicitation taking place in public restrooms.  A little trick they use is going into the stall positioning yourself in the restroom using position and having the sexual technician (lady or man of the night) stand in paper grocery bag which is placed in front of the person’s feet.  More power to them for being creative.  I have nothing further today about this part.

Finally, I know you’re all waiting for it.  The top of the stall.  I know you are all probably waiting for me to bash on it and really dig in but I couldn’t care less.  If someone wants to stare down at me while I’m dropping a deuce, more power to them.  I’m ok with the tops of the stalls being open.  I have many fond memories from my younger days that involve the tops of the bathroom stalls.  MANY! 

I’ve left out many other aspects of the stall that aren’t necessarily a fault of the design, the glory holes (possible in any type of faux wood), the boogers being applied by bored bathroom users that don’t know how to occupy themselves with their phones instead of their noses and of course the toilet paper dispensers with the sharp teeth that are certainly necessary to tear a piece of toilet paper with a tensile strength equivalent to a piece of melting chocolate.  If I didn’t focus on the main areas of concern then this would have just been a big waste of time.

I am urging you all, as a people, to band together in unison and let’s begin the revolution against the injustice that is being forcefully jammed down our sensitive and quite intricate throats.  I have a dream (MLK reference) that one day we will all be able to deuce in public and feel just as comfortable doing it as if we were at our own homes using our own poop buckets.  I have a dream that one day I will not have to watch someone’s leg rhythmically twitch because they are tugging on something they shouldn’t be (at least not in public).  Let’s make these dreams become a reality, let’s make this world one step closer to a utopian society by revolting against all bathroom stall manufacturers that still produce these unconstitutional (not really) dump boxes.  Dream with me, live with me, love with me. 

Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!