Don't get a Vasectomy!!!!!

    Attn all Ladies and Gentlemen:

    Do not force or your man to get a Vasectomy!  It's unnatural and agonizing!

    I had mine a few months ago and I haven't been the same again.  Now when I go to take a pee I hesitate more than normal.  My nuts now tend to stradle my boxers in a very uncomfortable way.  I am just now getting over the emotional trauma of the initial recovery period.

    The "doctor" only gave me a Valium to attempt to calm my nerves, but I took 2 Xanax too just to be safe.  It didn't help because I felt every single maneuver, from the time they tape my huge wee wee to my stomach all the way to the time I was getting shots in my little nut tubes.

     So the "tiny" incision, which was not tiny at all in my mind, hurt like a mother F'er.  It may have only been a 1/4" long but to me it felt as if my entire nut sack had been split and flipped inside out!  Then the doctor begins giving me all these shots to numb my nuts and the tubes and what not, OUCH!  It seemed as if he were operating on my heart that how far the pain went. 

     20 minutes laying on a table with my wee wee taped to my stomach and my nut sack cut open...horrible.  I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night just whimpering and clutching my nuts with both hands.  It's kinda like the horrible dreams at Vietnam veterans have.

     Knowing I know now, it would have been condoms for life for me!  If I had a time machine I would travel back to right before and bitch out.  No one will ever touch my nuts again, even if it is a sensual fashion!

     Don't let the Ladies trick you guys!  It's just 20 minutes and it's cheaper.  But the 2 weeks of pain that follow...that's the kicker!  Don't fall for it like I did.

     Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

Old People and Falling

     All our lives we have been conditioned with the fact that old people fall.  Remember those commercials where the old person has fallen and they "can't get up"?  I remember that from YEARS ago.  I never thought it would be someone that I know that would continually fall but rise up again.  Just walking along, probably chewing some bubble gum and confusion hits, BAM, now they're on the ground. 

     Let me introduce my mother.  She is really not an elderly person but she has the sense of balance of a 127 year old.  This chick can fall on demand, literally, seriously!  I remember when I was just a small tike and my mother would hit the deck, bounce back up and be good to go like it never happened.  Now-a-days, we aren't so lucky.  When she falls, SHE FALLS!  It may take a week or so for the bruises to start to fade. 

     I have some theories:

A) Old people have a huge equilibrium problem.  This is a stretch to me, i see old people driving and they do ok as far as staying in their lane goes.  Sure they drive SO slow but that is an entirely different blog.  So you have an equilibrium problem that only effects you when you are walking.  Running is no problem and driving is easy but walking is a mind fuck.  Interesting.

B) Old people can do more than one task at a time.  If chewing gum or holding something that weighs more than 20.5 ounces then a fall while walking increases by 91%.  That's a proven fact.  So having this knowledge, why continue to try to be a part of the 9%?  Stop doing it so maybe one day we can push this number down in the mid 80s where it belongs.

C) An old person's brain is like a computer from the late 80s trying to operate software from 2010.  It ain't happening!  Either upgrade your CPU or stop walking.  Your brain is like putty, mold it, shape it, make it work for you instead of you working for it.

     I need your help people.  Let's do everything we can to continue to support the foundation for elderly traction and control (FETC).  We can change someones life, as long as they are important enough to deserve it.

Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

Penis or Wenus?

Let's play a game:

Is it a Penis or the Wenus?

First off, my skin can be loose at times.  It can also be very tight at times too.

I can switch between loose and tight skin in  a matter of seconds.

When my skin is loose, I look  very odd and saggy.

When my skin is tight, I look epically classic and mighty.

When my skin is loose, I am very wrinkly.

When i suffer a laceration or abrasion I heal very slowly due to unexpected stretching and movement.

The area around me is generally a slightly different color than I am.

9 out of 10 people people don't know what or where the Wenis is.

9 out of 10 people (men and women) don't know a Penis is actually called a Penis.

I have multiple nicknames, MULTIPLE!

Sometimes I am used to pleasure a woman or man.

But I am often touched by my "owner" for his pleasure more than another persons.

Through out the day, I am touched often.

When i itch and have to be scratched, I always hear the sound "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

When my "owner" falls from a bicycle, I am often injured.

When my "owner" is sitting, I am very close to his belly button.

That's it folks!  If you're trying to figure out which statement applies to which body part, give up! The Wenus and Penis apply to all of them!

Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB