MUST READ!!!!!!!!!!!!

     So for my company i worked over past 4pm, past 5pm, past 6pm, past my son's little league game, past dinner time, past the point of mental comprehension.  My WORK was rudely interrupted when the boss comes back and subtly tells me I'm not getting paid from 4-6:30 since i didn't ask permission.  Then it got real. 

     After the getting real aspect of the show, I packed my stuff and left to avoid fighting a losing battle and digging the hole deeper for me.  My co-workers got my back, in a time that the tension in the room was suffocating.  At every point, I was backed up and also subtly told to regain control but i missed that last part. 

     Now keep in mind i said earlier i missed my kid's baseball game to try to accomplish a goal for and with my teammates.  My son finally hit a ball that was pitched to him by the coach and i have to watch that shit on video because i was taken advantage of by a person that has no leadership or people skills at all.  The audacity of this person, the bravery of this person.  I have almost as much time in the yard as this person and i know my time was a lot more credible. 

     Don't let people take advantage of you, don't have fear in people because someone is ONE step above you.  They can't do much to hurt you and it shows when they resort to empty threats and yelling.  I've been in that situation any times, if you don't defend yourself you'll never be able to look in the mirror again.  You'll never be the same person again.  Stand up for yourself and don't fear what may come the next day or the next week. 

     Don't live in fear, fear is the worst emotion you can experience because it will control the rest of your existence, forever.  Fear is the only emotion you can never get out of your mind.  It's the only emotion that can truly make a man act like a boy.  Don't be a YES person, be you and if you say yes then you are doing what you feel is right and what needs to be done.

     Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

Discipline

     Can someone please tell me what is wrong with the world today?  I’m not even concerned about the “regular” crimes, crimes of passion or even crimes of insanity but the crimes I am speaking of are crimes of heartlessness and cowardness.  Anything done to a baby or a domesticated animal certainly falls under those 2 areas.  Anything involving some mentally handicapped or crippled follow suit.  But my real issue is the mental stability of the citizens that surround us every day.

     I don’t consider anger a passionate emotion or an emotion that could lead to a slight moment of insanity.  We all get angry sometimes, we all get frustrated and upset.  Why don’t we all just take a baby and put it in a microwave set for 10 minutes or just take a few pitbulls and electrocute, body slam and drown them because they aren’t up to dog fighting standards (Michael Vick)?  Oh yeah, all of us aren’t cowards and/or heartless.  Most of us are capable of using rational thought on a daily basis to determine right and wrong or smart from stupid.  

     I just don’t understand how a human brain can tell its host to go out and try to slice someone’s throat then toss your girlfriend and toddler child out of a third story window then climb down the fire escape and continue beating her?  What mind works like that?  What person is capable of performing an act like this without any remorse?  

     How about Columbine?  Two young guys that have the knowledge and means to construct pipe bombs, propane tank bombs and obtain multiple high powered assault rifles systematically attack and destroy their own high school and massacre their fellow class mates.  

     How about Virginia Tech?  Over 30 people dead, all of which were trying to obtain a higher education to help them succeed in the world and make a difference were slain by 1 gunman with a lone goal, death.  

     It's not the guns, it's not internet, it's not videos games, comic books or music.  It's a lack of discipline.  If i go to K-Mart and spank my kid in the store and the wrong person sees, I'll be on the damn news.  However, if we continue to raise our children with no rules and no discipline then we will continue to see situations like the few examples from above, maybe even more frequently.

     Spank your kids people.  Not admitting if I do or not because i don't want a visit from CPS, but spank them and spank them real good.

     Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

50 Shades of Grey

     So, like many other people out there, I just finished reading “50 Shades of Grey” and like most people I wanted try out some the advanced techniques that I learned from my intense studying of the book.  Now I knew I couldn’t try it on my wife or even someone I knew, I needed an unbiased opinion to prove this book true or false once and for all.

      I began to think, brainstorm if you will, how could I get an unbiased person to participate with this test?  So like every other white young male in America I decided I needed to kidnap someone and bring them back to my home.  How could this go wrong?

     The best place to do this, in my mind, was Wal-Mart between 2-4am on a Saturday.  I dressed accordingly; I always match my clothes with the level of light.  It was dark out so I decided to wear ALL black, even black boxers and a ski-mask just to top my outfit off.  I sat for over an hour in the back left corner of the parking lot trying to spot someone that would be fun and understanding after the fact.

     It was as hard as I thought it would be.  I approached from the shadows really embracing my role as the dark, handsome stranger.  My female guest wasn’t as excited as I expected.  She punched me in my nipple and it really stung but the gag and tape really saved my morning.  The excitement was abundant and my female friend was securely bound.  Let the reenactment begin!

      I had converted my shed in to the love dungeon from the book.  Instead of tools for building things, I reconstructed the exact props from the book.  I placed my unbiased mate in the room and went and changed into a very slick suit I had gotten from “JG Wentworth”.  I felt the part and she looked the part.  

      Now, I did every single thing from the book and the whole time this chick is whining and fussing.  It’s still not apparent to me why, however, I continued the experiment determined to prove it once and for all that the book is true or false.  

     Here comes the worst part, after the first 8 hours of this, the police arrived and tried to tell me that the kidnapping I had committed was actually a crime.  Unreal.  I simply explained to them that I was conducting a literary experiment with real people from real society.  That didn’t work out too good for me; the judge had never read the book.  But he was telling he was going to throw the book at me.  Confusion ensued but I didn’t care, I proved that the book is false and my life was complete.  

     I type this to you from the 2^nd largest state penitentiary in the United States and I’ve made many friends.  They’ve read the book too and we practice technique until our time is served or appeals are fulfilled.  What a great book!!!!!!

     Sleep tight, Stay strong and NEVER CONFORM!

-JB 

The Yeast Infection

     There has been a massive cover up around the United States.  Many have been lead like a lost sheep, lead into believing that only women can get yeast infections and that yeast infections are totally unrelated to how much bread you eat.  I am going to disprove that myth today and inform the public of what they need to look out for and how to dismantle the riddle of the yeast infection.

My first point:

     A yeast infection is entirely related to the amount of bread you intake.  If you think about it, yeast is in ALL bread, people consume multiple pieces of bread every day and the government has actually gone so far as to buy out (or kill) anyone that has come up with  recipe for bread that does not contain yeast. 

Many people don’t know this but the government owns 85% of each bread company and 75% of each doctor’s office, even private practices. 

     So if the recipe for yeast free bread is released to the public, we all make our own yeast free bread and we lock out the bread companies then the government loses money.  Also, if the number of doctor’s office visit for yeast infection related illnesses goes down the government loses insurance claims and co-pays.  Sniff, sniff, conspiracy, cough, cough!

My second point:

     The fact is that the government has forced doctor’s offices to stop diagnosing male patients with yeast infects, now they call it a fungus of unknown origin.  In 1946, 70% of all yeast infections were diagnosed in males vs. the 30% of all infections diagnosed in women.  Now, you may wonder how men have steered clear of the dreaded yeast infection in the recent decades.  We simply avoid bread as often as possible and if you eat bread with any sort bacon on it, the bacon actually cancels out the yeast infection.

     In 1976, the ratio had gone 70% males down to 15% males with yeast infection diagnoses.  Avoid bread or always have bacon on had to consume with bread products and we have no problems.

My third point:

     It’s completely sexist for women to complain and why about yeast infections when men actually started out with the most frequent and severe cases.  So what if you ladies were too dense to figure out that your consumption of bread is directly related to the number of yeast infections you incur.  Let’s show the government that we are not being control to support their investments.  Push back, avoid bread and avoid yeast infections. 

     No one wants to see a loaf of bread bubbling out of your bat cave anyway.

     Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

Sorry

     I just wanted to apologize to all of you for my sloppy typing.  I'm going to read through of my posts again and fix as necessary but i have a BAD habit of not reading what I type.  I just correct what needs to be fixed with spell check but this doesn't catch left out words or mistypes.  I read the Cat Gangs post to my wife last night and it was very...rough.  It read like a children's book to me.  I inadvertently put the work "does" instead of "dose". 

     It's not that big of a deal but if I was reading someone's dribble, I wouldn't want to have to figure out what they are trying to say.  That's silly and pointless.  I'll do better for you in the future :)

     Thanks for reading.

     Sleep well, stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

Top 10 Favorite Candies

100 Grand Bar

     Who wouldn’t love rice crispies, caramel and chocolate?  Also, wouldn’t love to melt it all down, pour all over Channing Tatum’s body while he is standing and then try to catch ever single drop as it slowly dripped from his every ripple and muscle?  No homo!

Junior Mints

     What is more appealing than a cardboard box filled up small soft mints covered in chocolate?  Not too much.  The chocolate is so thin that when it is touched to human skin, perfect for “50 Shades of Grey” style love play, dude on dude style. 

Snickers

A)    Peanuts, B) Nugget, C) Caramel, D) Peanuts and covered in luscious milk chocolate.  Mmhmm!  Just sliding that hard bar in and out of my mouth, faster and faster and faster and faster until the caramel slowly snails its way down my chin!

Mamba

     This candy is like generic starburst.  So fruity and yummy, yet it holds back the full punch of flavor until the very end.   It’s like having to bust but trying everything you can to not bust at all.  So invigorating and so tantalizing!

Fruity Mentos

     A delicious tube of 4-5 fruity hard but chewable candy, what could make you harder other than a good bondage session? Very delicious, long lasting fruitiness to quench your inner fruitiness.

Twix

     Not only is it a cookie with caramel on top but it’s covered with chocolate.  The biggest surprise is there are 2 in each package.  Perfect for a snuggle date with your hetero life mate while you 2 sit and watch Will and Grace in your snuggies and wish that show was your life.

Orange Slices (7-11Brand)

     What a bargain!!  2 bags for $2, about 30 pieces total.  Delicious orange slices, gummy texture, covered with large pieces of sugar.  This candy makes me hard as a rock.  You must buy the 7-11 brand to get the full flavor and bargain.  The blood is flowing straight to my gens right now!

Mini Reece Cups

     Everyone has tried a reece cup and a mini reece cup.  This candy is the BEST peanut style candy ever, it really does invoke a sort of sensual situation in your pants.  I prefer to eat the cup from bottom up, much like I prefer to eat my male partners!

Skor

     This has got to be the least tried candy bar all time.  Hersey’s introduced this butter toffee milk chocolate bar to compete directly against the Lead Inc. Heath bar in the early 80s.  I tried these only a year or two ago.  And I haven’t stopped sense.  I like to such the tip of the bar until all the chocolate goes away and I’m just sliding this large, brown bar in and out of my mouth.

Hersey’s HUGS

     This is the most homosexual candy on the market, which makes it a must buy for me.  You can actually eat it very slowly, the top layer being white and milk chocolate together and the inside is all milk chocolate.  It’s like living with your special man and then finally making love until you both explode in each other’s mouths…….kind of like that.  This is my number 1!!!!!!!!!!!

Side Note: 

     The only reason Skittles didn’t make the list is a heartbreaking tale of terror and misfortune.  When I was 7 years old about to turn 8, I remember it like it was yesterday, I was casually eating a pack of skittles that I received as an early birthday present just minutes before.  Suddenly, I noticed a spider climbing on the inside of my right shoe.  It was like the spider knew I had spotted him, he took off up my calf into my shorts!  I didn’t want to spill my skills but I wanted the spider off of me.   I dropped my shorts faster than the first time made love to a woman, examined my coin purse for the spider and slightly began to cry. 

     Out of nowhere, my winky was struck with the force of 1000 bullets or so it felt.  I flinched so bad that the entire pack of skittles I was holding flew in the air.  When I flinched my winky kind of flew up, as guys say now, it went from 6 o’clock to 12 o’clock.  At that very moment in time, that son of a bitch known as gravity rained the skittles down towards my crotch area.  During this hail storm of skittles, my winky somehow expanded its winky hole and “swallowed” a skittle.  It went 2” into my winky and I had to have one surgery to get the skittle out because letting it slowly dissolve would have taken 2 months and I had to pee!  I also had to have 4 surgeries to salvage what was left of my winky and have it made into a vagina.  Oh what a month that was!  I kept my balls though. 

     Sleep well, stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

Serious Talk Time

     There is an unacceptable epidemic going around our United States as we speak.  This is a problem that affects young children, teenagers and even the elderly.  Frankly, it’s something so repulsive; I’m a touch uncomfortable blogging about it.  We’re going to discuss the topic of Rape.  This is not a topic about the rape of humans; actually it doesn’t involve humans at all.  It’s Cat Rape!  Yes, you read that correctly, cats taking their need for love and sex too far and raping other cats. 

     There have been numerous reports to the SPCA about a certain Cat Gang, going by the name of The Non-Neutered Crew, which has been spotted all around the U.S.A. performing lewd and unspeakable acts to innocent domesticated Felines.  This “Gang” has charters in every major city of every single state except for Alaska and New Mexico.  Many cities are even reporting homo-sexual cat rapes and multiple failed rapes have been recorded by the C.A.T. (Cats Against Trauma) SPCA, which happens to be a special task force of undercover cats that have infiltrated the inner most circles of the NNC.  

     Contrary to prior belief, cats do have feelings and are ready and willing to be trained to kill and conform to their surroundings to save helpless cats across the country.  The SPCA and the C.A.T. SPCA are pushing hard throughout our great land to exile the NNC and make it safe for a nice little kitty to roam the streets with no fear of a massive gang of wild cats raping the mess out of them.

     Many actions have been imposed with harsh criticism from the public.  These actions were a knee-jerk reaction to an ever growing problem and we sincerely apologize for that.  We have new ideas that are going to be coming to fruition very soon. 

     I have many proposals that will come to light in this arena.  Feline Sex Offender List (FSOL), Alley or Yard arrest (Collar Monitored AKA CM’d) and death by rape (Three Strikes Program).   FSOL, CM’d and TSP are all programs that humans use for humans so it must be the perfect solution for cat on cat criminal activity.

     In 2011, over 4.3 million female felines were unforgivingly raped or sexually assault in some manner.  Over 3.1 million of these incidents have been tied back to the NNC.  Also, disturbingly enough 500,000 male on male cat rapes have occurred but oddly only in the city of Los Angeles.  

     If you see anything, report it to the SPCA at 1-800-CAT-RAPE immediately.  If possible, intervene yourself, but don’t try to be a hero.  Cat semen is known to be capable of velocities far faster than any human ejaculate and if the semen were to touch skin, a severe does of cat scratch fever and a fishy taste/smell will overcome the human body. 

     We WILL get this under control.  We WILL end this non-sense.  We WILL put an end to the NNC and all other felines out there having their way with defenseless cats across the nation.

     Thank you for your time.  

     Sleep well, stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

Animal Time

     Today, I’m going to propose 3 different scenarios in which “exotic” animals fight each other.  The 3 main battles I am going to focus on are: Lion vs. Bear, Koala Bear vs. Monkey and a Giraffe vs. Tree Sloth. Instantly, I know you have already determined the 3 champions right now but I am going to break it down and drop some knowledge on you.

     Lion vs. Bear, this is a fight that would intrigue even the most passive of onlookers.  The bear is obviously bigger and in my mind stronger.  Getting struck by a bear claw would be catastrophic to the lion, probably causing a crippling blow allow the bear to move in for the death blow.  However; I feel the lion is more agile and far quicker than the bear.  The bear’s slow swings and failure to maintain sight of the lion would certainly be his doom.  It’s almost like the movies, little guy working his way through the ranks versus the fat hard hitter sitting at the top of the power pylon.  Also, lions generally travel in packs and if the initial lion was down 3 more would replace him.  Bear = fucked.  Lion wins this battle but only if he can steer clear of a bear claw to the face.

     Koala Bear vs. Tree Monkey, the tree monkey is one of the cutest and cuddliest of all jungle tree swinging animals.  This little guy would be the perfect pet for any household with little ones running around.  Just don’t let it get rabies or you’re fucked.  The koala bear, on the other hand, is also too cute to poot.  The little baby mini-bear that can clutch on to any tree like a toddler onto its mother’s leg.  Both pets are so adorable and free spirited; you may not believe the facts that are going to accompany this next part.  An Asian woman was cuddling a small koala bear for a photograph when it sudden attacked, took her to the ground and started to ground and pound her like a heavy weight UFC fighter.  When the authorities tried to tranq the koala, he pulled the darts out of his ass, broke them open and drank the tranq serum then proceeded to scratch the poor woman’s face, hardcore style.  The monkey has a truly violent past itself.  Check out the movie Monkey Shines, you’ll have nightmares for decades every time you see a monkey.  Koala bear wins because Monkeys can’t really cover your face with plastic wrap while you’re driving and suffocate you, not yet at least. 

     The Giraffe vs. the Tree Sloth.  This one is, as some would say, the act of leaving the best for last!  While this fight seems about as exciting as having an erection and no fingers, it truly does pose the greatest chance for mass blood flow and destruction.  The tree sloth is slower than the birth of a child.  No, even slower however it is a serve set of claws and climbing ability, allowing it to get close or right on the giraffe’s head, sink the claws in and eat some brains.  Now the giraffe has a few moves of its own.  Giraffes have the ability to get their heads very low to the ground and swing them about like a wrecking ball, hence their severe stupidity.   They do pose the ever so important “retard strength” though.  We have the tree sloth that can massacre the giraffe’s head and neck both fatal injuries but the giraffe can swing the sloth off its head and/or neck, chase it down and trample it to death.  Giraffe wins hands down.

     There you have it, 3 battles of epic proportions that would give even the most normal man a very large erection.

     OH WAIT, HERE COMES A LONE CICADA, SHIT...ALL SIX OF THESE ANIMALS CAN BE DEFEATED BY 1 LONE CICADA!   

     Sleep well, stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB