Today, I’m going to propose 3 different
scenarios in which “exotic” animals fight each other. The 3 main
battles I am going to focus on are: Lion vs. Bear, Koala Bear vs. Monkey
and a Giraffe vs. Tree Sloth. Instantly, I know you have
already determined the 3 champions right now but I am going to break it
down and drop some knowledge on you.
Lion vs. Bear, this is a fight that would
intrigue even the most passive of onlookers. The bear is obviously
bigger and in my mind stronger. Getting struck by a bear claw would be
catastrophic to the lion, probably causing a crippling
blow allow the bear to move in for the death blow. However; I feel the
lion is more agile and far quicker than the bear. The bear’s slow
swings and failure to maintain sight of the lion would certainly be his
doom. It’s almost like the movies, little guy
working his way through the ranks versus the fat hard hitter sitting at
the top of the power pylon. Also, lions generally travel in packs and
if the initial lion was down 3 more would replace him. Bear = fucked.
Lion wins this battle but only if he can
steer clear of a bear claw to the face.
Koala Bear vs. Tree Monkey, the tree monkey is
one of the cutest and cuddliest of all jungle tree swinging animals.
This little guy would be the perfect pet for any household with little
ones running around. Just don’t let it get rabies
or you’re fucked. The koala bear, on the other hand, is also too cute
to poot. The little baby mini-bear that can clutch on to any tree like a
toddler onto its mother’s leg. Both pets are so adorable and free
spirited; you may not believe the facts that
are going to accompany this next part. An Asian woman was cuddling a
small koala bear for a photograph when it sudden attacked, took her to
the ground and started to ground and pound her like a heavy weight UFC
fighter. When the authorities tried to tranq
the koala, he pulled the darts out of his ass, broke them open and
drank the tranq serum then proceeded to scratch the poor woman’s face,
hardcore style. The monkey has a truly violent past itself. Check out
the movie Monkey Shines, you’ll have nightmares
for decades every time you see a monkey. Koala bear wins because
Monkeys can’t really cover your face with plastic wrap while you’re
driving and suffocate you, not yet at least.
The Giraffe vs. the Tree Sloth. This one is, as
some would say, the act of leaving the best for last! While this fight
seems about as exciting as having an erection and no fingers, it truly
does pose the greatest chance for mass blood
flow and destruction. The tree sloth is slower than the birth of a
child. No, even slower however it is a serve set of claws and climbing
ability, allowing it to get close or right on the giraffe’s head, sink
the claws in and eat some brains. Now the giraffe
has a few moves of its own. Giraffes have the ability to get their
heads very low to the ground and swing them about like a wrecking ball,
hence their severe stupidity. They do pose the ever so important
“retard strength” though. We have the tree sloth
that can massacre the giraffe’s head and neck both fatal injuries but
the giraffe can swing the sloth off its head and/or neck, chase it down
and trample it to death. Giraffe wins hands down.
There you have it, 3 battles of epic proportions that would give even the most normal man a very large erection.
OH WAIT, HERE COMES A LONE CICADA, SHIT...ALL SIX OF THESE ANIMALS CAN BE DEFEATED BY 1 LONE CICADA!
Sleep well, stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!
-JB
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