The art of dumping

What is the first thing you think about when you wake up?

Go ahead, take a second, I’ll wait.

If you didn’t say “taking a dump” then you are sincerely living the wrong type of life my friend.

Nothing in this world is more fulfilling than dropping a nice deuce first thing in the morning.  The feeling of relief that comes from that seemingly normal action is remarkable.  It’s all about timing, we all dump at some point during the day but timing it just right can have an enormous effect on your day. 

I want to caution you though, if you have a Snickers bar or chunky peanut butter late in the day or right before bedtime, you may want to let that beast settle.  No one, not even the most self-masochistic of them all, likes feeling the sharpness of a peanut poop clawing its way through your rectum, eventually leading to a small eruption of agony and overall demising self-worth.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend a morning deuce drop.  That’s 90 percent!  That was a real survey that was taken throughout the United States in 2011.  Every person holding a medical license or degree was asked this question, “At what time during the day would you recommend the average person to squeeze out a foot long tootsie roll?”  The response was a miraculous, “Morning – Between 7am-8am”.

You go to the doctor for everything else, why wouldn’t you listen to them now?  A dump in the morning is proven to increase a persons’ mood, their outlook on the day and increase their internal desire for either green fruit or raw turkey bacon (both of which are healthy for you, so says the FDA).

One other note, or caution, if you have to push so hard that you are seeing stars once you begin to cycle oxygen through your body again then you’re doing it wrong.  A morning dump between 7am and 8am may not be for you. 

You may have to build up your body’s desire to dump at that hour.  A couple tricks for doing so.  Squat above something dangerously sharp.  I know, I know, that sounds ridiculous but it works.  A) Squatting is proven to increase the body’s need and desire to defecate (poop), B) The increased anxiety from knowing if you make a fatal mistake you’ll have something horrible happen to you pooper will increase the flow of secretions inside the body and basically force you to urgently go deuce it up.

Another way to try to fall in the recommended time frame for morning dumping is to place a 1980 or older penny in your left hand, clinched tightly and push your belly button in with your right hand.  These directions are crucial because if done incorrectly the results could end up erasing every memory you have stored in your brain that falls on an odd numbered day.  Seriously.  Left hand 1980 or older penny and right hand pushing your belly button with no more than 6 lb-ft of pressure, just enough to crush and egg slowly.  

Take my advice, it’s doctor recommended and approved. 

Sleep well, stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

Society at its worst

Everyday something bad happens.  Something so heinous, so horrendous, so mind-boggling that it is hard to even conceive the fact that human beings are responsible for said catastrophes.  I’m not just talking about gun violence or bullying, political scandals or insider trading; I’m talking about society itself.

Society (us included) have lost all grasp on “reality” as we know it, or knew it I should say.  Society has let go of the perception of a group of people coexisting with one another in a close proximity.  We engage in verbal confrontations at the movie theaters because of a texting consumer seated in front of us before the lights even go dim, next thing you know someone’s getting shot and killed.  You accidently cut someone off while driving to work, horns blare and echo off into the distance and your hostile response ends with your car being attacked from behind leading to your own demise.
Even now with the Las Vegas incident that happened recently, police officers are being targeted because they are the “oppressors”.  Seriously?  What the hell is wrong with society?  Who is the first person you call when you need help, when you have a home intruder, when you have a domestic disturbance, when you need someone to save you?  Yet, society has now deemed police officers the enemy in any other situation that doesn’t involve coming to that one person’s rescue.

Get the fuck over yourselves.

I think we need a vote button, you vote right now *Yes for the police, *No for the police.  From that vote forward, you have will either receive help from the police or you will not, no matter the situation.  Then you can slander the underpaid, under respected civil servants that keep us sleeping soundly at night.

Kind of went off on a tangent there.

My point is, grow up.  Whether you’re 16 or 60, it’s time to grow up and get yourself under control.  Don’t try to control other people, don’t pass judgment on others, and don’t speak negatively of others if you yourself don’t have your life in proper order.

That’s called hypocrisy.

If there was a reset button at the ready, one that would start society over (not kill everyone or anything, just reboot the entire situation) then it should have been pushed a LONG time ago.  The reality of it all is we don’t have that ability.  Society is like a self cleaning feature on an oven that doesn’t really work.  Eventually, after all the cycles of oven self cleaning gone wrong it’s going to burst into flames and take everything and everyone with it.

Control your life, control your world and control your actions.  Do the right thing, whatever you deem that to be and sleep soundly at night knowing you did the right thing at the right time for the right reason.  We all make mistakes, society makes mistakes, but those can be fixed easily instead of placing blame and sulking over the error.
 Be proactive in your life instead of reactive.  Live like you want your children to live.  Would you want your kids to sit in a dark room crying because life is too hard every night?  Would you want your kids snorting cocaine or drowning in alcohol to ease the pain of another long drawn out workday?  Would you want your kids cutting themselves to feel pain, to know life is real, to know they can still feel something?
I wouldn’t, that would break my heart.

I’m not trying to paint the picture of perfect for myself either, I definitely have my vises.  This is as much an article to you as it is to me.  I am just as guilty as anyone else that is relating to this.  I guess that’s called hypocrisy as well but at least I am trying to recognize it and turn the ship around.

One final note: Society, please stop going crazy.  Eventually they are going to start making people take a day off of work each quarter at the same time and then they are going to oxygenate Xanax and pump it into our bodies.  That way there will be minimal to no actual thought going on, just nice quiet relaxed people in a zombie-like state.

Ok, maybe in the movies or something but that would be a pretty cool tactic.

Sleep well, stay strong, and most of all NEVER CONFORM!