The art of dumping

What is the first thing you think about when you wake up?

Go ahead, take a second, I’ll wait.

If you didn’t say “taking a dump” then you are sincerely living the wrong type of life my friend.

Nothing in this world is more fulfilling than dropping a nice deuce first thing in the morning.  The feeling of relief that comes from that seemingly normal action is remarkable.  It’s all about timing, we all dump at some point during the day but timing it just right can have an enormous effect on your day. 

I want to caution you though, if you have a Snickers bar or chunky peanut butter late in the day or right before bedtime, you may want to let that beast settle.  No one, not even the most self-masochistic of them all, likes feeling the sharpness of a peanut poop clawing its way through your rectum, eventually leading to a small eruption of agony and overall demising self-worth.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend a morning deuce drop.  That’s 90 percent!  That was a real survey that was taken throughout the United States in 2011.  Every person holding a medical license or degree was asked this question, “At what time during the day would you recommend the average person to squeeze out a foot long tootsie roll?”  The response was a miraculous, “Morning – Between 7am-8am”.

You go to the doctor for everything else, why wouldn’t you listen to them now?  A dump in the morning is proven to increase a persons’ mood, their outlook on the day and increase their internal desire for either green fruit or raw turkey bacon (both of which are healthy for you, so says the FDA).

One other note, or caution, if you have to push so hard that you are seeing stars once you begin to cycle oxygen through your body again then you’re doing it wrong.  A morning dump between 7am and 8am may not be for you. 

You may have to build up your body’s desire to dump at that hour.  A couple tricks for doing so.  Squat above something dangerously sharp.  I know, I know, that sounds ridiculous but it works.  A) Squatting is proven to increase the body’s need and desire to defecate (poop), B) The increased anxiety from knowing if you make a fatal mistake you’ll have something horrible happen to you pooper will increase the flow of secretions inside the body and basically force you to urgently go deuce it up.

Another way to try to fall in the recommended time frame for morning dumping is to place a 1980 or older penny in your left hand, clinched tightly and push your belly button in with your right hand.  These directions are crucial because if done incorrectly the results could end up erasing every memory you have stored in your brain that falls on an odd numbered day.  Seriously.  Left hand 1980 or older penny and right hand pushing your belly button with no more than 6 lb-ft of pressure, just enough to crush and egg slowly.  

Take my advice, it’s doctor recommended and approved. 

Sleep well, stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!