Everyday Life

The top 3 things I hate in everyday life:

Number 1:

                Sometimes when I lean to rip a big nice fart, it’s actually not a big nice fart.  It’s actually a diarrhea turd at the exit of my rectum.  Now the problem here is that 80% of the time, I actually shit my pants and then you have to go through the process of showering and changing clothes and doing everything you can to not touch the poo because that is too nasty! 

Number 2:

                Sometimes when I REALLY have to dump, of course I’ll go to the toilet and let it fly but it’s one of those dumps that makes you feel like you’re gonna throw up due to food poisoning.  Not cool.  You are not allowed to double ejac from the ass and the mouth.  Many have said it can be done but it is physically impossible.  Your mind delegates which orifice get to release what at what time.  The mind works incredibly fast.

Number 3:

                This is the rarest occurrence of all life’s occurrences.  I’ve only had this happen one time in 29 years, it’s that rare.   One time I was going to town on my penile unit.  Everything was going great, nice environment and good materials.  Right when the pistol is about to fire off, the exact moment I am about to splash a load the size Road Island, I sneezed!  Now the natural reaction when one sneezes is to let the momentum of the sneeze carry the body forward.  So basically what I’m telling you is I was right in the line of fire.  The sneeze adds massive velocity to the ejac zone!  When it blew, BAM, right in my left eye.  I hit the floor faster than a white man in the hood.  I grasp my left eye to try to dull the pain away but it was no use.  18 Lasik cornea reconstructions later and I’m almost back to normal.

               

                Just be careful out there folks.  I don’t want any of the male readers to have Number 3 happen to them because I was literally millimeters from certain death.  Ain’t nobody got time for death right now, I’ve got 40 years of pointless work to accomplish.

Sleep well, stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!.

-JB