So, like many other people out there, I just finished
reading “50 Shades of Grey” and like most people I wanted try out some the
advanced techniques that I learned from my intense studying of the book. Now I knew I couldn’t try it on my wife or
even someone I knew, I needed an unbiased opinion to prove this book true or
false once and for all.
I began to think, brainstorm if you will, how could I get an
unbiased person to participate with this test?
So like every other white young male in America I decided I needed to
kidnap someone and bring them back to my home.
How could this go wrong?
The best place to do this, in my mind, was Wal-Mart between
2-4am on a Saturday. I dressed accordingly;
I always match my clothes with the level of light. It was dark out so I decided to wear ALL
black, even black boxers and a ski-mask just to top my outfit off. I sat for over an hour in the back left
corner of the parking lot trying to spot someone that would be fun and
understanding after the fact.
It was as hard as I thought it would be. I approached from the shadows really
embracing my role as the dark, handsome stranger. My female guest wasn’t as excited as I
expected. She punched me in my nipple
and it really stung but the gag and tape really saved my morning. The excitement was abundant and my female friend
was securely bound. Let the reenactment begin!
I had converted my shed in to the love dungeon from the
book. Instead of tools for building
things, I reconstructed the exact props from the book. I placed my unbiased mate in the room and
went and changed into a very slick suit I had gotten from “JG Wentworth”. I felt the part and she looked the part.
Now, I did every single thing from the book and the whole
time this chick is whining and fussing.
It’s still not apparent to me why, however, I continued the experiment
determined to prove it once and for all that the book is true or false.
Here comes the worst part, after the first 8 hours of this,
the police arrived and tried to tell me that the kidnapping I had committed was
actually a crime. Unreal. I simply explained to them that I was
conducting a literary experiment with real people from real society. That didn’t work out too good for me; the
judge had never read the book. But he
was telling he was going to throw the book at me. Confusion ensued but I didn’t care, I proved
that the book is false and my life was complete.
I type this to you from the 2nd largest state penitentiary
in the United States and I’ve made many friends. They’ve read the book too and we practice
technique until our time is served or appeals are fulfilled. What a great book!!!!!!
Sleep tight, Stay strong and NEVER CONFORM!
-JB
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