Remember - 3 grown men.
Somewhere in the woods there was a baby penguin named Earl. Earl was outcast by his herd at a young age because he was always touching himself in areas that only pre-teen to full grown penguins were allowed to touch on their own penguin bodies. This made Earl very agitated, so he devised a plan to get back at the herd. First, he would have to gather up a long stick, some Vaseline, a banana, and some chewing gum. Next he unsheathed the massive banana and cast it aside, making sure not to damage the peel. Then Earl realizing the banana peeling exhausted him more than expected, decided now would be a good time for break. So he unwrapped the chewing gum and started to relax.
As he was relaxing he noticed a bear nearby. He wanted to ask the bear what he would do if he wanted revenge for something. “Mr. Bear” the young penguin said, “how many animals have you accidentally touched wee-wee tips with and on a side note, how would a young penguin go about accomplishing vengeance against an entire herd of penguins?” Unfortunately the Bear didn't speak Penguin so he just snarled and continued down the trail. Focusing back on his initial plan, he picked up the jar of Vaseline and started to apply it on the stick. He then took the chewing gum and blew a bubble. Carefully, Earl inserted the lubricated stick into the blown up bubble gum. He slowly began to float from the ground or so it seemed. But in fact, he suddenly felt himself getting light-headed and looked down to see himself standing in a pile of dead penguin bodies. He could not believe what he was seeing. When he realized it was indeed his own herd he passed out.
When he awoke he actually ended up being a she; a living, breathing female human being that was tied up in a straight jacket, naked from the waist down, and shackled to a table in a dimly lit room where a big Mexican named Pablo was standing in the corner yelling at an imaginary dragon. A small voice from an intercom above her came out and said, “Pablo! Eatin’ ain’t cheatin’, Bro!” Pablo, who was married, then suddenly stopped talking to the dragon and looked over at the woman with a boyish grin. As he stood and approached the woman on the table, he quickly came to a stop. He grabbed the chain he was attached to and pulled as hard as he could. The chain with a loud pop broke off the wall. He proceeded forward. The woman started screaming frantically and lashing around to try and escape. However, Pablo seized his opportunity, leaned down to the screaming woman’s ear and whispered, “Honey, let’s get the F out of here.” Pablo tore his wife’s (Plot Twist!) shackles from the table and used the table she was shackled on to smash out the window exposing a 150’ drop straight down into a deep dark hole. He used the chain to tie off to a nearby rock and swing out of the room to see if there was a way up. They both were still a little delusional from the drugs they received and quickly realized the hole was a tunnel and the drop was a mere 2 feet.
Pablo grabbed his wife, who was muttering about squirrel breast milk, and he stuffed her into a leather waist pouch he found nearby so he could move about freely without having to carry her in his hands. He jumped into the tunnel and started about his marry way. As he was running through the tunnel he realized his wife had not made a sound for hours. He looked into the pouch and realized he had snapped the neck of his wife and killed her. Instead of weeping he built a fire so he could cook her hair and clothing. Everyone knew Pablo’s favorite meal was human hair cotton poly blend soup. Pablo boiled the water in an old rusty pot he found next to a dead bums bare bottom and then cooked and ate his meal contently. Although he wasn't upset about what he did to his wife, he thought he should still honor her. He took her body, still naked from the wasted down, and burned her in the woods just outside the tunnel. He then took her ashes to the nearest town. He found the first house and ran inside to find a massive Brazilian man and a man with a lower back tattoo of a squirrel with a magical nut playing a game with two cups.
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