Backyard Lion

What happens if you walk out in your backyard and next thing you know you’re face to face with a full grown lion?  Dead serious.  The way I see it, you have basically 3 options.  All of which will probably get you eaten by the lion anyway.  Just hope you don’t have to deal with a situation like this in the future. 

You step out of the back door.  You still have your head down and you turn around to make sure you have fully shut the door.  When you about face, the lion is about 3-4’ away from your vital organs.  Only 3 options exist because you are within one small leap of the exotic beast and it could leap at any time!

Option 1:

Option one is a passive approach, kinda like when you trip and then look around to see if anyone saw you instead of trying to play it off.  Use your soft inside voice, pitch it up kinda high and baby talk the lion as you slowly back step your way to the door.  This option at east gives you one baby back step towards the door before the lion eats you because he will be confused.  

The problem with option one, you may inadvertently maintain eye contact with the lion.  This implies that you think you are stronger and smart than the lion.  He will feel it is necessary as a lion to attack, maul and devour you just to protect his lion-hood.

Option 2:

Option two is more of a panic approach, like when you think you walk into a spider web and franticly swat at the spider that HAS to be on you even though you didn’t see it.  Scream, scream, scream, turn and attempt to run.  By the time you get the first stride down the lion is already over top of you deciding which part is going to be consumed first.  

The main issue with option two is the screaming part.  I don’t agree or disagree with the running action due to the fact that the door is so close but I would not turn my back on a full grown lion.  Lions like to chew slowly so unless he strikes your head first, you’re going to survive most of the consumption.

Option 3:

My personal favorite is option three.  This option is like walking in on your mom and dad banging it out, you didn’t see ANYTHING!  With this tactic, you simply stop right where you are, look away from the lion’s face and shit all in your pants.  Most people don’t know that lions will not eat shit.  If you shit your pants and then slowly grab chunks of the shit and smear it all over your clothes, arms, legs, face, ears, hair and especially in your mouth, the lion will have no choice but to leave you alone.

The problem with option three is that most people will not put shit in their mouths.  Don’t have so much pride people.  Either put shit in your mouth or be eaten by a full grown lion.  The choice is yours.

Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB