How to make a Cat/Dog

     When I was a little tyke, I used to watch a cartoon called "Ren and Stimpy".  A cat and dog having the time of their lives.  Then later on in the years, the cartoon "Catdog" came on.  The combination of a cat and dog and no anuses anywhere. 

     Well, recently I came across a phenomenal anomaly.  I was simply walking down the street and I heard a light whimpering and a slightly sexual yet vicious hissing.  A small dog, Yorkshire terrier from what i could tell, was having consensual sexual intercourse with a Bengal cat.  A Bengal cat is a feline that only has one layer of fur instead of the normal two layers.  It also had a circular design on it's coat much like a leopard but sexier.

      I interviewed the couple after they had finished.  This couple was trying to produce a cat/dog of it's own.  I applaud the bravery this little tag team had in this day and age.  The Yorkie and Bengal been together for over 2 years with no luck yet.  I investigated the problem and it seems the Yorkie is also a Male. 

     So we have a Male Yorkie being anally penetrated by a Male Bengal and the Yorkie didn't know it.  I broke the news to these love birds and all hell broke loose.  The Bengal refused to comment anymore and quickly left the area leaving a trail of male cat skeet I have never seen before.

     The Yorkie stayed much to my surprise.  He informed me that he knew he was a male the entire time but lead the Bengal on because anal sex was the best sex for him.  Now, he quickly denied any homosexual tendencies to which I must say, If you're the taker you're not gay but if you're the giver you are as queer as a squirrel eating another squirrels nuts upside down in a pine tree full of rainbows and Canadians.

     The smell of dog butt was engulfing the area so I went about my business and decided that animal anal homosexual intercourse is ok with me.

     Sleep well, Stay safe and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

Dog or Man?

     There is a theory out there in the world that really bothers me.  The theory that neutering your dog will cause him to stop marking his territory, being aggressive and it will make his start listening to it’s master like never before.   I am going to call shenanigans on this right now.  The BS flag has been raised to its highest point on the pole.

     I’ll save my biggest point for last.  Let’s hit the small one.  We have a dog named Blue.  He was neutered a while ago.  That animal is wild as ball hair on a weekend morning!  He still pisses on everything that is on floor level.  He is still aggressive but a playful aggressive not a violent aggressive.  He doesn’t listen for shit.  As soon as that back door is open he takes off running and barking and yelping for no reason.  His nuts were chopped off to prevent these actions yet he still goes buck wild.  He goes H.A.M.

     That poor animal was stripped of his manhood for no reason.  We have no other dogs around the house and he doesn’t have access to any other dogs, so impregnation isn’t a concern.  His balls are gone!  Like Jimmy Hoffa gone!

     Now, I went to a MAJOR extreme to prove my point.  I scheduled a vasectomy for myself to see if it helps me stop pissing on everything, calms my aggression and helps me listen better.  I went through the procedure, which took about a half hour.  The recovery time a bit more, like 2-3 weeks.  I still have my nuts but my ability to utilize them is gone.

 

     As soon as I got home from the procedure, I pissed right in the middle of the floor out of spite.  I went through the house and I randomly chewed up at least 3 pairs of ladies shoes and bit both of the kids.  Now I will say my listening skills have increased dramatically.  I can now control the amount of sound I want to block out.  It’s great!

     Don’t cut your dog’s balls off and certainly don’t clip the only 2 tubes that prove you are a manly man!

     Ouch!

     Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

 

That's a Horse!

     With the recent discovery of the "Penis" Snake, my brain was activated and sent into deep thought about other notable penises that are out there.  I'm going to tell you a tale of tragedy, will power and the fight to survive emotionally after an encounter with a horse penis.

     When I was just a small lad, about 8-12 years old, I was fascinated with horses.  Especially the "My Little Pony" toys!  Their luscious colored hair and their hard plastic bodies, it was great.  I also enjoyed real horses too.

     My mother took me to a local horse farm.  Now I'm 8-12 years old, i assumed these horses were planted in the ground and harvested when they were ripe.  Boy I was wrong.  As soon as we pulled up, I witnessed a beautiful steed mounting the lone female in the group.  Of course my jaw dropped and I didn't blink for over 7 minutes (hence the lazy eye).

     Well, i walked about while my mother talked with the founders of the ranch or farm as it was called.  I must have wondered too far and i found my self contained in the main horse ring.  The steed had perceived the threat of an 8-12 year old boy and i could tell it was on instantly.

     The steed began watching me, eye contact like crazy.  The only problem was he was still thrusting in and out of the female horse i had spotted earlier.  He never broke eye contact and never blinked even when he busted!  It was amazing.

     I had seen more than enough and turned to figure out how to get out of the pin.  I know i didn't have my back turned for more than 3 seconds and the steed was lingering over top of me!  I didn't know what to do, i hit the deck but when i did i ended up on all fours!

     Suddenly, I'm floating in the air.  The massive steed was attempting to "make me a man".  He had unknowingly slide his horse penis in to my T-Shirt.  My finger tips were the only things that were touching the ground.  I wasn't in any pain so i felt there was no reason to fight or scream.

     Well the steed had worked up so much momentum and friction his penis exploded all over my back, up my neck, all in my shirt and it slowly encompassed my head.  He dropped me to the ground, leaned down and gently kissed me with his snout.

     Horse semen is NO joke.  It was hot like fire!  It stuck like super glue and it smelled like chlorine and sprite mixed in a 70/30 ratio.

     I have never seen that horse again and i certainly have never wanted to be near a horse ever again.  I was very lucky he didn't find my little boy hole because a horse penises girth and length could have been fatal.

     Don't mess with horses!

     Sleep well, Stay safe and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

 

"Napkins for Life"

     When you go into the 7-11, there are certain items throughout the store that are complementary products.  Creamers, straws, napkins, stuff along those lines.  I think we could literally put the napkin companies out of business if all of us went to 7-11 everyday and took 2 hand fulls of napkins.  I call this theory “Napkins for Life”.

     Using the “Napkins for Life” process, the United States could cut down 18 million less trees per year and shut down over 14,000 napkin producing factories.  These reallocated workers could then move up to the paper towel companies or even the plasticware facilities that are spread throughout out the United States.
 

     Try it out because it works.  The second someone questions you, just say, “Where’s the sign that says I can’t take 2 hand fulls of napkins?”  You know why you ask this question right?  Because there is no sign!  Easy win in the argument column!

     “Napkins for Life” was initially founded in Wisconsin by an elderly man named Simon O’Finkle.  Mr. O was a visionary until his love affair with system manipulation got the best of him.  Simon tried to start heisting ATM machines from Kwik Stops because they didn’t have a sign on them deterring the act.  He was shot with a tazer in the nuts by an over-eager security guard.   No one could have known he had his original testicles replaced with gold plated pewter nuts.  The electric shot triggered a small fire in his pants and as he panicked he began to pass gas excessively.  The fire raged and consumed his body from the inside out. 

     I am now leading the parade for “Napkins for Life”.  I will not be tazed in the nuts and have a small fire grow due to my inability to control my flatulence.  I WILL lead this country to economic freedom!  

     I am running as an independent for the Office of President.  I am going to be a write in and really the only thing I have going right now is “Napkins for Life” but it’s better than nothing!

     Sleep well, stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

 

Fire Time

     A fire breaks out in the middle level of your house.  You, the kids and the wife are upstairs sleeping, dreaming about butterflies and blueberries.  The stairs to get down from the top level are engulfed in flames by the time you realize the fire is raging and slowly creeping in your direction.  You have no safety ladder; you have no way to escape but to jump from a window which is going to prove difficult.  

     Ok, the man jumps or falls first then the babies have to be lowered by their arms and accurately dropped and caught by the injured daddy.  Then come momma, do you make her fall like you did?  Women are always claiming they are independent and can do anything we can do.

     Alright, so now you have caught both babies, their only injuries are emotional.  What 1 thing do you tell momma to get out of your room before you catch her and before the flames get her.  She chose to go last, keep that in mind.  I want my comics.  The xbox and stuff can be replaced but the comics would be a tough one.  

     What one thing would you ask your wife to drop out of the window before she attempted to escape from the fire?  Comic books, clothes, tv, gun….what?

     Sleep well, stay safe and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

 

It's a Bug's Life

     How many people kill bugs in their house? Everyone.  How many people like bugs in their house? No one.  How many people say, “Man, I haven’t seen a bug in this house in a long time!” but not out of joy, out of sadness.  No one.  My point here is, if the bug comes into the house then it’s free game to kill.  If you go outside and kill them, you might have a problem.  

     The outside is the bug’s house; he should be trying to kill you.  Think about every relative of his you have squashed followed by a loud yell to show your success.  Think about it, seriously, stop reading and think about it.  I’ll wait……………………………………………………waiting, keep thinking………………………………………………..ok.  Point proven, I guess.

     I don’t want a bug on me at all, EVER!  But imagine the shoe on the other foot, what if the bugs could get us and revolted against us in a collaborative effort.  That would be scary as balls, balls removed from a human scrotum and placed right beside your mouth.  The scariest part is, you’ve been given a serum that makes you get aroused by the sight of balls removed from a human scrotum being placed right beside your mouth.  Yuck!

     If bugs really tried hard enough they could take over the world, don’t tempt them.  Be nice to them.  Next time a mosquito is sucking the life blood from your body, wait until he is finished, geez!  Next time you disturb a bumble bee while it is trying to work and harvest for the queen, try to talk him down so he doesn’t commit a sting/suicide.  

     Have hearts people.  Have hearts.  I’m sorry…….I promised I wouldn’t get emotional about this.  Every time I watch fear factory reruns and they are masticating the life out of live African Zoofus beetles it tugs at my heart strings. 

     Live and Learn.

     Sleep well, Stay strong and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB

 

Rough Life

     We all have problems in life, whether they are major, minor or somewhere in between.  We all have feelings that make us think life is at it's worst point.  I'm going to teach you a method to help correct these feelings and thoughts.

     For example, when Batman had his back destroyed, did he give up?  No, he pushed through.

     When Spider-man had that week long erection and couldn't figure out how to release the pressure with out webbing himself, he pushed through.

     Don't let life get you down.

     It could be worse.  You could be a dung beetle.

     Sleep well, Stay safe and most of all NEVER CONFORM!

-JB