Suffering in Silence

Suffering in Silence

JA Boyce

There is a new key phrase in town. It is spoken more than “guns kill people” or “legalize weed”. Every single time something horrific happens, it is followed with the phrase “Mental Illness”. Approximately 46.6 million adults suffer from some form of mental illness each year, how you put a number on that is beyond me, but that’s what the Google machine put out so it must be true, right?

Having extensive experience with Severe Anxiety (DSM 5 Code 300.01 and 300.02) and Major Massive Depressive Disorder (DSM 5 Code 296.43), I feel comfortable addressing some aspects of social interactions that have had an adverse effect on my life in relation to these mental illnesses.

Once someone you know, trust, love, confide in learns you are suffering from a mental illness, their entire demeanor towards you changes. 

You are given two different forms of coddling at this point: 1) The tip-toe, check on you every second method; or 2) The keeping an eye on you because you are a danger to everyone and everything. These two emotional transformations are meant to conform one’s interactions with you in a way THEY deem loving or comfortable for you. They are wrong.

Example 1:

Let’s say you have a weekly visit with your family, a dinner or movie tradition. You roll up and are instantly greeted by someone that knows you are suffering on the inside, “How are you? You look sad.”

Instantly, you ARE forced to be sad. That’s how it works. It’s a trigger. In your head, “Well, I WAS fine but now I need to go sit in the restroom and cry for ten minutes for no reason, thank you for that.” Verbally you retort, “All is well” or “I’m feeling pretty good”. It’s a subtle deflection to maintain a cordial interaction with this accidentally insensitive person. A way to push through the barrage of demons that are now tugging on every emotional nerve you had under control.

Example 2:

A text message comes in with the following message, “Just checking on you, I know you’re going through a lot, just remember you have a great career, family,house, etc. You have nothing to be sad about. I’m always here for you.”

So, in this example, the concerned text sender (not that concerned if they are sending a text) is reminding you that the key to happiness, in their mind, is having good things. I want to stop typing here because this one is self-explanatory, however, I fear many of you don’t understand what is wrong with this. 

While reading this message, the sufferer’s brain is cataloging all of these things and slowly dissecting them to pull the negative from each one. 

A loving family, “Yeah, so-and-so is dead and I’m only called when something is needed.” 

A great career, “Ok, I sit behind a desk and make every attempt to keep my mind from straying into the dark places that flare up when boredom strikes, plus, I only have 40 more years to go before I can retire, if I live that long.”

A house, “Let me run through my list of things that I know need to be done around the house, panic over the fact that it will cost money and time, which I do not have at all.”

Things that a non-sufferer may perceive as extremely positive aspects of the sufferer’s life could be the very ammunition the mental illness gun needs to get a panic started. 

In my opinion and in my situation a good “I’m here for you” every now and again is perfect and enough said. Any more than those four words and you have officially trigger an episode and begun the downward spiral I had fought off all day. 

Let’s address another topic that comes up many times, counselors and psychiatrists.

“You don’t think counseling will help?” NOPE. It’s very hard to find someone that you can openly spill the beans, cry in front of, tell your deepest secrets. If you can’t do that with your significant other, best friend, mom or dad, then a counselor isn’t going to do the trick.

The thing with a counselor (psychiatrist too) is that you have to be very careful how you present your issues to them. If you walk in and say, “I’m thinking about going home and blowing the top of my head off.” I can assure you, you will be leaving the building but it will not be under your own free will. A uniformed escort will be happy to help you. That being said, if you TRULY are going to go home and toaster yourself in the bathtub, you need the escort. 

You have to weigh your honestly with a counselor (and psychiatrist) carefully according to how many people depend on you for a variety of reasons (money, love, presence). Depending on those variables, reaching out help in a dramatic honest manner may affect more than just your life. Your kids will suffer emotionally, your family financially.

Copy and paste all of the above and the psychiatrist is only different in one way, prescriptions. You go in with a problem, your mental check engine light is on and they are supposed to be able to diagnose the trouble code and present a fix. This is not how it works. 

Months and months of medications will be pushed on you, some will work but make you a zombie and the others won’t do anything at all but give you insomnia.

Each visit will begin the same, five minutes of debriefing how you avoided driving into a telephone pole at double the speed limit, laughing it off as a joke, and changing the meds. Your body is now under attack, chemical warfare persists with every beat of your heart. Once you find the meds that work, it’s now a monthly financial burden and a constant worry.

What if I run out? What happens if my refill is back ordered? Why am I going through medication withdrawals when I’m taking exactly what I was told to take?

It’s not fun and actually increases the stressors in your life. The psychiatrist doesn’t understand and you will maintain course, suffering.

Obviously, each person is different and none of us are going through the exact same situations in our life. This is merely a glimpse inside an experienced brain. The examples used are not directed towards anyone or any specific situation. This is not a cry for help or an attempt to call anyone out, it just had to be written. 

If you are in need of help there are TONS of places you can call, visit, or email. I have emailed before and the response time is remarkable. You can confide in this anonymous stranger without fear of judgement or punishment. 

Visit here:

https://samaritanshope.org/get-help/

This document did not go the direction I had planned, maybe this will become a series that could help folks, maybe it will die right here. It’s a surprise for us both I guess.